Gloomy Bedsit Thoughts (A Heart Breaking)

January seems to have lasted forever, and even though it is getting dark later and later, the night still seems to eat up the day. Snow-cold again today, bitter cigarettes outside of work, prison camp air burrowing beneath the skin. Grey skies. The sun all muted, when it does appear, and then only briefly, hidden behind banks of blank cloud. January stretching on into forever.
It starts well, January. the washed clean optimism of a new year. The novelty of new numbers when dates are written, but by the time these weeks have passed, feeling like months, January is dirty, an industrial month, crawling out of dead factories, polluted and poisonous. I swear I feel it's leprous skin in dreams. Not even sleep provides an escape.

Been living in the bedsit for not yet two months, and it's breaking my heart living here. The claustrophobia seems to have got worse after last Friday's day of isolation here. I begin to dread the weekend, days off. Wake up, plan means of escape. Easy in the summer; morning coffees on the beach, afternoons lying in St Anne's Well gardens, but here in January you are trapped, condemned to pacing shops and cafes, waiting until the inevitable point when you have to return.

Only just turned 10pm, and already I am thinking about sleep because I cannot bear to be awake here.

I think the worst thing is that the bedsit seems to be an echo of my studio flat in Buckingham Street. At least the hot water works, but the room is smaller, and I don't have a comfortable chair to sit on. I was so unhappy there, and being here is like being thrust back into it again. Bad echoes. Bad energy.

In some ways it feels like the last chapter in a book. Talking about leaving Brighton of course. Last Friday seems to be the first in a series of last straws. I hope I stay in Brighton, but I can't bear the thought of continuing to live in places like this.

I feel insomnia on me already.

Maybe a cup of decaffineated coffee and watch 'Shameless'.
At least the reception on Channel Four is not so bad tonight...